FACES & PLACES
(NOT SO) LOCAL COLOR APRIL 2006

Odds and Ends

Tuesday
Switzerland’s Parliament voted today to uphold the law requiring all homes to have a nuclear fallout shelter in their basement. They also increased the fines on people who use the said nuclear fallout shelter as a wine cellar. Seeing as I have no basement, I have no fallout shelter (but me and the corkscrew have plans to seek refuge in my neighbor’s well-fortified wine cellar).

Thursday
Wheeling my groceries to the car, I must’ve intruded upon a parking garage tiffle. A man was out of his station wagon, talking loudly to a woman out of her minivan across the way. I gather that she cut him off on the ramp to this level. “You don’t know how to drive, madame!” “No, monsieur, it is YOU who doesn’t know how to drive!” (People here are always grammatically correct and painfully polite, even when on the verge of a rumble) Blah, blah, blah, croissant, and he declares ‘You must be FRENCH madame!” (OH! I cannot believe he went there! It’s like going straight to a Triple Dog Dare - he skipped all the intermediary put-downs, - unheard of!) She crossed her arms, thinned out her lips until they practically disappeared, squinted her eyes, and said in a quiet, trembly voice…”How. DARE. You! I. Am. Swiss!” She turned, and stomped to her van. (Never, never call anyone in these here parts “French”. Even the French will be insulted.)

Friday
Hamburgers for dinner. Jake says “Mom what are hamburgers?” I gave him the whole “Hamburgers live in desert enclaves…” spiel, but he persisted. “Mom, if these are cute cows, I won’t eat them!” Forgive me, for I said “NO! These cows would take out you and those you love without thinking twice!” He said “Fine, but I won’t eat the bun.” I said OK. I couldn’t come up with a vicious bun story.

Monday
Italy’s Prime Minister announced today, in a re-election bid, that he will abstain from sex until April 9th. (His wife looked p.o.’d) Interesting and perplexing, but I thought you’d like to know.

Another bit of world news- Uzbekistan has just outlawed fur-lined underwear. Sales of the furry contraband increased as the temperatures plummeted to minus 30 degrees, but lawmakers feared that their citizens would be led into frenzied, lusty, democratic revolution by the provocative underpants. (Query – has Rumsfeld heard about this?? Could we take care of Iran in a furry flurry of skivvies?)

Tuesday
“ Mom! I will NOT eat goose-coos!” -Jake, it’s not ‘goose-coos’, it’s couscous, inanimate pasta. - What part of the goose does that come from? - It’s not from a goose, Jake. It’s a baby noodle. - MOM! I will NOT eat a baby! (Visual: see me slap my forehead with both hands, eyes squeezed shut, schmere my hands around my face, mouthing the words ‘aye, aye, AYE!’) What’s with my kids and food?

Wednesday
1230 GMT – RAAAAHHHHHH...raaaahhhhh…RAAAAAHHHH….raaaahhhh…. The Air Raid sirens sound throughout Switzerland. I throw my children aside as I grab the corkscrew and run off to my neighbor’s wine cellar… Run! Forget the Playstation, boys, but grab the cat! Run!! …Huh? Wha…? Shhhhh…the sirens stopped. What a relief! Oh, how ‘bout that, it’s only a drill. Once a year, they test this circa 1941 system. It still drives its citizens to pandemonium. RAAAAHHHH… raaaahhhh… RAAAAHHHH… raaaahhhh… There it goes again! Grab corkscrew. Run. Repeat 4 times within the 30 minute test period.

Thursday
So here’s some very interesting financial news for you: the following Swiss companies have announced record profits this year – UBS (my bank), Balexert (my mall), and Lindt chocolate (my downfall). Do any of you see a connection?

Sunday
This certainly bears mentioning… Last week the ILO (International Labor Org.) put out a last-minute call for donations of warm winter clothing for the children of the earthquake devastated regions of Pakistan. Items could be dropped off between 12-2 on both Monday and Tuesday. I arrived with our donation at noon Tuesday, and as I entered the lobby of the ILO, I was overwhelmed. The lobby was full, absolutely full, of clothing and warm gear for children. Police and guards were taking our gifts and heaving them up onto the pile. A steady stream of people was behind me, arms laden with blankets and coats. I almost cried for the goodness of it all. I gave the smiling officer a bag of ski coats and pants, and made my way out. I saw the guards at the gate turning away the long line of cars. It seems that in the short time they had been accepting donations, just over 2 hours, the ILO received over 2 tons (!!!) of goods. Like me, the ILO had been overwhelmed. There was no more room on the charter plane to Pakistan, so they thanked the international community for their outpouring of goodwill and generosity (and are searching for another airline to help). For all the images we see on TV – insulting, assaulting, depressing - there are everyday acts of genuine goodness by ordinary people. Small and kind deeds, by the thousands, by the tons, are overwhelming, and my heart fills up.